January looks long
on the wall. Cold
even. But mostly
long. Really, really

L.... O.... N.... G

Today I awoke
tangled. Tight.
Like…
Is it a pretzel?
No.
Like…
Is it clenched?
Yes.
Tight,
constricted.
Like…
A fist.

Today I awoke
in triplicate.
Once in white,
again in yellow
then once more
in pink. I’ll retain
the white, keep
the yellow for your
records, and we’ll
file the pink.
Press firmly. You’re
going through three
copys.
cospy.
coyps.

No disasters,
other than my own.
Burn a turkey; get it
right. Get it
wrong. Cry, die...
sing a happy song.

EDITORIAL

Well, there’s fuck all in today’s free paper. Probably because most of the staff have left to go home for xmas. Which, is my point. My commute to work this morning was blissful. A seat on the bus. A seat on the over ground train. A seat on the underground train. You see all non-Londerners have fucked-off back to wherever it is they came from…and I like it this way. Come to think of it…if you’re not a) my friend b) my family c) making my sandwich d) frying my fish e) pulling my pint f) sweeping my roads…then you can stay fucked-off. Because if you’re an IT consultant from Newcastle I have no use for you. If you are a day trader from Stoke…fucking stay in Stoke. Why is it my city you invade with your crap accents and daft football support? The whole lot of you, if London is not good enough for you at xmas, if you run home to mummy and daddy to open your presents and eat your pudding stay there. Leave London to me. I’ll take care of it. I’ll look after everything. Trust me. I’m from Essex. I know what I’m talking about.

Gunfire in the morning,
trunk and disorderly.
Good night? Nah…
It was pretty grim.
But, Diana had the pill.

A suicide bomb
for children. And
girls critical after
‘hair tongs’ explosion.
A jealous chainsaw
husband is jailed.
Nip and tuck with
Christmas all tied up.
Faggots and sluts
return to Radio 1.
Four little letters
may mean so

m u c h.

Pressure piles
discomfort discuss.
Fraudsters crack.
Take rat!
New royal.
Rocket: more to
pocket.

We put our trust
in cod, yet still,
Al-Qaeda taunts
and Bob Dylan
is cut into six sections.
Seems that Labour is sleazier
than us. A dirty bomb threat
and The dog woman’s arm
is saved. Bit of an error:
We have cancelled your wedding.
(Sorry we didn’t tell you)

Diana ‘was pining for an ex’
A twin soldier watched
his brother die. Davies on form
in Dubai. Abused boy was ‘failed’
by council. Whatever you do…
Don’t mention the scary ‘c’ word.

The spineless sex,
bowls of steel.
Pietersen signs
new Hampshire deal.
Seaman cleared
off her lolly.
Stick that in your mouth.
Canoe Wife ‘sorry’.

Gobsmackingly gourmet,
an Arsenal supporter eats a tramp.
Cancer mum kills her son,
weak teachers face getting done.
Diana driver didn’t look drunk.
But fancy dress is an elf risk.
Maddie pictures removed in Praia.
The McCanns erased.

Greens and reds
of the Milky Way,
there’s a Whole Lot Of Love
here today. But “No way”
says Jose. A secret meeting
with the ‘Tapas 7’. A Taliban
town, and a Stairway To Heaven.
Trafalgar pigeons starve to death.
Now is the time to take a breath
You’re missing the pint;
you’re missing the point.
Poles apart as rockets flair,
Jack Frost hanging in the air.
Lie your way out of a bender,
no one home…return to sender.

Crashing out, cashing in,
our boys will be home by spring.
Pig farm murderer…drive?
I’ll take the drain. Detention tension
in the village of the scammed.
Mummy’s in a for a scan; ear today
and gone tomorrow.

Gunned down.

The godfather of binge-drinking
warns of global warming.
Amy’s diet is rubbish.
And a student is killed by a pair of shoes.
The canoeist’s wife aided her husband.
A lyrical terrorist is spared jail.
The Meredith suspect is given up by Germany
and Keira is kinky again. Beams of light
warn of calamity and a lethal skateboard is seized.
Hattan can be a cut above, but Christmas…
that’s going to be cramped.

Someone saw Dodi kneeling
in front of Diana;
his hand on her belly.
Brown is in a treaty doubt,
And the benefits system, that…
is far too complicated.
A mother weeps as she hears
of the injuries. A canoeist's father
is well angry. A boy, only seven,
dies of cancer; but millions may
be lost after hack attack. Flesh
and bone was found in a dead son's
trainers. A police chief gets a driving
ban for speeding. Women…they are
still being held back. Small cars are a
big hit. People are forgetting the alcohol
content of pudding. Vaughan is upbeat
despite the defeat and the ferries…
they are left stranded by fierce winds.